Short Stories
Condom Capers
In the bustling city of Kranstein, where pigeons reign and mischief is a way of life, a hilarious heist unfolds in the most unexpected way possible. With feeding pigeons forbidden and hunger gnawing at their bellies, the pigeons are in desperate need of a feast. Enter Frank, the scheming mastermind with a plan that’s as wild as it is absurd.
Frank concocts a daring scheme to rob a bakery, roping in his trusty accomplices, Victor and the unwitting Johnny. However, Johnny is blissfully unaware of the true nature of their mission, eagerly volunteering to assist his boss without a clue of what’s in store.
As the heist preparations commence, Frank issues instructions for the operation. Victor will handle the break-in, Frank will oversee from a safe distance, and Johnny is tasked with subduing a guard. But before they can begin, the trio must don disguises to avoid detection.
Here’s where the hilarity truly ensues – their masks are none other than condoms, with Frank sporting an XXL size, Victor opting for ribs, and poor Johnny left mask-less. Frantic to find a solution, Johnny scavenges through the trash, eventually stumbling upon a used condom filled with peculiar pineapple-flavored goo.
With his makeshift mask in place, the heist begins. But as Johnny struggles with the ill-fitting condom, disaster strikes – sperm sprays into his eyes and mouth, sending him into a panic-induced frenzy. In a slapstick turn of events, the condom inflates, carrying Johnny into the path of an oncoming car.
With a crash, the car plows into the bakery, leaving the door wide open for the hungry pigeons to swoop in and claim their feast. In an unexpected twist, Johnny emerges as the hero of the day, earning the coveted title of “Employee of the Month” for his unintentional bravery.
Poop, There It Is!
Perched atop what appears to be a shelf, Daisy is startled by the unfamiliar babycry in the background. Johnny, ever the curious explorer, swoops onto the scene, his mind buzzing with questions.
Daisy, determined to maintain her composure, brushes off the strange noise as nothing more than a rumbling stomach from some questionable breadcrumbs. But Johnny isn’t convinced, his investigative instincts kicking into high gear.
As Daisy attempts to demonstrate her theory by making peculiar movements, Johnny’s suspicions deepen. With a keen eye and relentless determination, Johnny uncovers the truth hidden beneath the surface. Just as he unravels the mystery, Daisy lets out an unexpected sound of her own, silencing the babycry once and for all.
Shocked by the revelation, Johnny watches in disbelief as Daisy takes flight, leaving him to ponder the absurdity of their avian adventure. And as the dust settles, the truth emerges – they’ve been perched atop a baby stroller all along.
A Pigeon’s Perilous Feast
In the bustling city of Kranstein, where feathers fly and love is in the air, our protagonist Johnny finds himself in a comedic conundrum of epic proportions. Tired of flying solo, Johnny decides to take a leap of faith and embark on a date to the fanciest restaurant in town – or so he thinks.
Unbeknownst to Johnny, this so-called “fancy” establishment is nothing more than a glorified fast-food joint for humans, while the real culinary masterpiece unfolds atop the rooftop, where pigeons dine in style. As Johnny nervously chats with his date, a pigeoness with a colorful romantic history, he finds himself in over his head.
The pigeoness regales Johnny with tales of her eclectic love life, recounting past relationships with various bird species, including crows, owls, and even a few peculiar suitors. But amidst the chatter, Johnny struggles to get a word in edgewise, his attempts at conversation thwarted by the arrival of the sparrow waiter bearing their meal.
To Johnny’s horror, the pinnacle of fine dining arrives – a half-eaten burger and rotten fries, complete with a side of buzzing flies. As a health-conscious pigeon, Johnny recoils at the sight, desperately attempting to request a healthier alternative to no avail. With his date’s coaxing, Johnny reluctantly takes a bite, setting off a chain reaction of disastrous consequences.
In a whirlwind of chaos, Johnny’s stomach rebels against the toxic feast, propelling him into a mid-air frenzy of vomiting and defecating. As he careens through the sky, leaving a trail of chaos in his wake, a final comedic twist unfolds – Johnny’s airborne excrement lands squarely on a human diner’s plate, serving as an unexpected garnish.
Lucky’s Final Flight
In the somber gloom of a rainy day, the pigeons of Kransterdam gather together for a funeral unlike any other. As they huddle together, seeking solace in their shared grief, Father, the city’s beloved clergyman, steps forward to deliver a eulogy befitting the occasion.
With a heavy heart and a touch of confusion, Father begins his speech, acknowledging the loss of their dearly departed comrade. However, in a moment of forgetfulness, he turns to Frank, seeking clarification on the name of the departed soul.
After a brief exchange with Frank, Father comically fumbles through his notes before resuming his address. He reflects on the , Lucky’s life, urging the pigeons to cherish each moment and avoid perilous encounters – a sentiment underscored by a comical reveal of a meat kebab nearby.
As Father concludes his speech with a heartfelt “Amen,” the pigeons bid their final farewells to Lucky, their fallen friend.
Roy’s Flight School
On the edge of a towering bridge, a man stands precariously, contemplating his next move. Enter Roy, the epitome of misguided enthusiasm, who mistakes the man’s desperate situation for a flying lesson in progress. Armed with a slew of absurd advice – from squeezing glutes to relaxing anal muscles – Roy dives headfirst into his role as an accidental flight instructor.
Meanwhile, Johnny and Daisy swoop in, their thoughts consumed not by the impending tragedy but by the prospect of lunch – specifically, pancakes. Despite Roy’s earnest attempts to assist the would-be flyer, Johnny and Daisy add to the chaos with their own brand of comedic interference.
As the moment of truth arrives and the man takes his leap of faith, the pigeons watch in horror as he disregards their well-intentioned advice. With frantic cries of “use your wings” and “squeeze your glutes,” the pigeons attempt to guide the man to safety, but to no avail. With a sickening splatter, the man hits the ground, leaving Roy to ruefully acknowledge the folly of his well-intentioned but ultimately misguided efforts.
Undeterred by the tragedy unfolding before them, Roy decides to heed the call of pancakes, signaling the end of the ill-fated flight school.
The Vending Machine
In the bustling urban landscape of the city, a trio of hapless pigeons find themselves embroiled in a comedic catastrophe of vending machine proportions. Roy, the brash and overbearing leader of the avian trio, pesters Johnny, his reluctant companion, into a precarious predicament – climbing into a vending machine to fetch him a protein bar.
As Johnny reluctantly complies, squeezing himself into the cramped confines of the vending machine, disaster strikes in the form of his wings becoming hopelessly entangled amidst the rows of tantalizing chocolate bars. With Roy’s impatient taunts echoing from the outside, Johnny finds himself trapped in a sticky situation, unable to extricate himself from the confectionary chaos.
Just when it seems like their misfortune couldn’t get any worse, Frank, the patriarch of the avian clan, arrives on the scene, bearing the weary resignation of a bird who’s seen it all. With a sympathetic glance at the trapped Johnny and the exasperated Roy, Frank produces a coin, offering a glimmer of hope in their darkest hour.
With bated breath, Johnny and Roy watch as Frank approaches the vending machine, their salvation seemingly within reach. But as Frank is poised to insert the coin, fate intervenes with a mischievous twist.
With a mechanical whirr, the vending machine springs to life, its rows of snacks rotating just one slot over from where Johnny is ensnared. Despair washes over the hapless pigeons as they realize their hopes have been dashed yet again, leaving them to contemplate their continued misfortune in the face of a world seemingly conspiring against them.
Undeterred by the setback, Frank retrieves a handful of chewing gum from the machine with a nonchalant shrug, leaving the pigeons to ponder the darkly comedic irony of their plight. As they gaze into the distance, a sense of resignation sets in – perhaps their quest for sustenance in a world of vending machine machinations is doomed to remain forever out of reach.
Unexpected visit
In the bustling confines of the post office, chaos ensues when a package addressed to Johnny arrives, containing a letter announcing his mother’s impending visit to see him. However, before Johnny can lay eyes on the precious missive, fate intervenes in the form of Frank, the patriarch of the feathered family, who mistakes it for his own invitation to a hot date he’s been eagerly anticipating.
Excitedly, Johnny arrives at work, only to find himself embroiled in a hilariously awkward encounter at the front desk with Isabela, the object of his misguided affections. Attempting to charm her with clumsy compliments, Johnny’s efforts are hilariously interrupted by the unmistakable sounds of passion emanating from Frank’s office, leaving Johnny blushing furiously and Isabela visibly flustered.
Just as Johnny begins to recover from the mortifying embarrassment, a figure emerges from Frank’s office – none other than Johnny’s own mother, a distinguished and dignified pigeoness of a certain age. Johnny’s jaw drops in disbelief, his initial joy turning to horror as he realizes the gravity of the situation.
“MOM?” he exclaims in disbelief, only to be met with the equally surprising sight of Frank, looking uncharacteristically worn out and weary.
“DAD?” Johnny stammers in shock, his mind reeling with the implications of this bizarre turn of events. As he locks eyes with Isabela, the realization of his unwitting flirtation with his own sister dawns on him, prompting an uproarious mix of horror and hilarity.
Parcel of Passion
As Johnny groggily awakens in the chair in Frank’s office, he finds himself cradling Frank, who stares back at him, visibly bewildered. It’s clear that something is seriously amiss. Frank begins to berate Johnny, incredulous that he would dare to sit in his chair.
Johnny exits the office and enters the main workspace of the post office, with Frank in hot pursuit. Both stop dead in their tracks as they take in the chaos of the room. A long pause ensues as they both try to comprehend what has transpired. Suddenly, they are both hit with a vivid flashback.
It’s a quiet Saturday at the post office, with nobody around except for Johnny, who is tidying up, and Frank, who is always holed up in his office. Johnny discovers a package that should have been delivered some time ago. Just as he’s about to set off to deliver it, Frank appears and tries to snatch the package from him. In the scuffle, the package is torn open, sending a cloud of cocaine billowing into the air, enveloping both pigeons in a haze of white powder.
What follows is a wild party scene, filled with dancing, revelry, and copious amounts of cocaine-induced antics. The debauchery escalates into a sexually charged encounter, culminating in a moment where Frank nearly kisses Johnny.
Suddenly, the scene cuts back to the present, with Johnny and Frank locking eyes once more.
As they excnge a knowing glance, both pigeons silently agree to bury the bizarre events of the day and move on, leaving the memory of their wild escapade behind them.
The Great Phone
When Frank’s beloved Nokia 3310 finally bites the dust after years of dedicated service, he urgently dispatches his avian employees to acquire a replacement. The resourceful pigeons manage to abscond with a shiny new iPhone, much to the delight of the entire flock.
Excitement fills the air as they eagerly anticipate activating the sleek device. However, their journey to smartphone functionality is fraught with comedic missteps. Initial attempts to input user details devolve into a cacophony of misguided inputs, resulting in utter chaos. Victor, the janitor, ingeniously procures a severed human finger to bypass the fingerprint scanner, leading to a slapstick struggle to authenticate.
With user details finally sorted, the pigeons face yet another hurdle in selecting a suitable profile picture. Frank’s ill-fated attempt at a selfie is swiftly rejected by the discerning phone, culminating in a moment of absurdity as they settle on a picture of the unwitting Johnny.
As anticipation mounts for the phone’s activation, the pigeons are met with disappointment as the battery is revealed to be already depleted, with no charger in sight. Frank’s frustration reaches a boiling point, but a stroke of irony saves the day as he produces a Nokia 3310 charger from his drawer, resurrecting the classic device with a triumphant flourish.
In the end, the shiny new iPhone is left discarded, its fate sealed by the nostalgic allure of the trusty Nokia 3310. As the pigeons reflect on their absurd misadventure, they find solace in the enduring reliability of their timeless companion.
The Pigeon’s Ticking Dilemma
At Frank’s post office, a mysterious package arrives, emitting an ominous ticking sound, causing immediate concern among the pigeons. Despite the uncertainty surrounding its contents, Johnny, unaware of the potential danger, accepts the package and agrees to deliver it to Frank.
Upon inspection, Frank suspects it may be a bomb and decides it must be delivered to Viktor for further investigation, especially given the Cyrillic text adorning it. Assigned with this task, Johnny’s excitement quickly turns to apprehension as he realizes he’s carrying a potentially explosive device.
With a sense of trepidation, Johnny embarks on his journey through the city’s darkest corners, encountering the seedy underbelly of pigeon society along the way.
As Johnny navigates through the dimly lit alleys, he encounters narcotic pigeons dipping their beaks into heroin-laden spoons and dirty pigeon offspring brandishing makeshift needles. A street artist pigeon juggles with pigeon eggs, adding a surreal and unsettling atmosphere to the scene. In a particularly grim locale, Johnny stumbles upon a deranged pigeon performing a lobotomy on another, sending shivers down his spine.
Despite facing numerous obstacles, including shattered glass, scorching air vents, and mouse traps, Johnny perseveres, driven by the urgency of his mission. Along the way, he is propositioned by pigeon prostitutes and their pimp, adding to the surreal and disturbing nature of his journey. Johnny finally reaches Viktor’s doorstep, adorned with eerie decorations. Despite his fear, he delivers the package to Viktor.
Johnny is greeted by the sight of the eccentric pigeon chef in a colorful apron. Viktor’s home provides a stark contrast to the grimness of the city’s streets, offering Johnny a brief respite from the darkness that surrounds him.
Delivering the package to Viktor, Johnny’s relief is palpable as he discovers it contains nothing more than a timer for baking.